Dear Caroline Flack….Much Love, Dawn x

Dear Caroline Flack,

I see you have been ‘spotted’ with a younger man? Fourteen years younger to be precise. He is, however, old enough to legally allow you to take an interest in him, and he is also too old to be your son – just – so that’s good news.

I am sure people are imagining that this came about because you unsuspectingly straddled him and manipulated the poor boy into making you feel good about yourself? No one wants to think of young Harry being predatory. You are an older woman, all people want to think is that you seduced him – the poor, credulous victim of your saggy old boobies and desperate, over eager fanny.

Well, Caroline. I have met Mr Harry Styles (one 5th of boy band One Direction) and I can confirm without equivocation that he is neither unsuspecting nor innocent. Nor is he a normal 17 year old (I might not write that again if it’s OK,  it looks younger on paper). Due to his famous status he has already lived a life most thirty year olds haven’t experienced and therefore we have to isolate him as a special case and not apply the same ‘HE IS TOO YOUNG GET OFF HIM YOU HORNY OLD SLUT’ associations with this  particular situation. I have also met you and can confirm that your boobies are neither saggy, nor old. So congratulations on both counts.

When those around you offer the inevitable advice to ‘be careful’ I suggest you revert back to them, a slightly shouty tone intact, and say ‘be careful of what? Being mind numbingly boring, making safe decisions and missing out on something that is potentially really really fun?’ Then swish around, making sure your hit them around the face with your hair, and drift off to the nearest off license to buy him his cigarettes.

Caroline, I personally am all for you and Harry Styles being ‘good friends’ and think you should persist merrily with your new found ‘friendship’, allowing your heart to go in the one direction (sorry) that it feels is right. Just don’t get caught getting him drunk, at least not until his 18th birthday. If only in that respect, be careful.

Much Love, Dawn x

Dear Beyonce…..Much Love, Dawn x

Dear Beyonce

I wanted you to know that I have examined the footage of your so called ‘folding baby bump’ at great length, and have come to the conclusion that it definitely does look a bit squished. However, I am not at all committed to the notion that you are faking your pregnancy. It would be a terrific ordeal to pull off such a ruse, and the reasons why you would are what confuse me. You have offered many great things to this world – beautiful music, the acceptance of larger thighs, and the mental image of you and Jay Z making lurrve, so I really don’t think producing a child via the generosity of a surrogate would have anyone thinking any less of you? And therefore see no reason why you would be so nervous of such criticism that you would fabricate an entire pregnancy? Surely you, with access to the most savvy of PR teams on the planet, could find a way to admit to such a – non-shameful – route to motherhood? If worried that trust is forever lost however, may I suggest live tweeting the birth as sure fire confirmation of the child being yours and Mr Z’s?

Dearest B, I urge you stay resilient throughout this ordeal and stay focused on the babe within, who I am sure shall see this tittle tattle exposed as mere hearsay as soon as those first dulcet ga ga’s are unleashed into the world.

With specific regard to the footage where your bump formed the shape of a plate, Lord knows how you managed that. But as a women with a stomach that can be forced to look like a Telly Tubbies actual face if I sit in the right position, who am I to judge?

I hope the rumors are not interfering with the delight you must be experiencing in the upcoming arrival of your first born. But if the media is getting you down and its all a bit too much to bear, why not get Hugh Grant to sort them out for you? He is very good at that sort of thing.

Much Love, Dawn x

I Wish I Was One of Those Women Who Just Knows She Wants to Have Kids

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/dawn-porter/dawn-porter-children_b_1110780.html?ref=uk

Norman and His Sore Willy

 

I arrived in Guernsey for a long weekend to stay with my Aunt and Uncle. I was raised by them, so this is my family home. What always surprises me about going home is how quickly I revert back to how I behaved as a teenager. I don’t know how they do it, but no matter how grown up, successful in love or career, or how much experience I gain in the big bad world, when I go home and see my parents I enter into a time warp that flits me from 32 to 15 almost instantly. This time I was determined for it to be different. I am a grown up now, and I shall behave like one!

As soon as I drove up the drive Aunty greeted me with an enormous cuddle, which I reciprocated lovingly. She then went on to tell me all about our neighbours willy.

EXCUUUUSE ME?

SHOES STRESS ME OUT!

I have never been one of those girls who is obsessed with shoes. I find the whole female obsession with them a little nauseating to be honest. Sure, I fall in love with the odd pair, save up for them and then buy them. But this is rare, VERY rare. I have one pair of pink Miu Miu shoes that I purchased around 5 years ago and I have worn them to nearly every event I have been to since, but they have just decided to split down one side. I have one more wear out of them, max. I also like boots and try to be stylish but practical. But obsessed with shoes, I am not.

Right now, I am really regretting this!

Why don’t I have a single pair of nice high heals that are not broken? Why? I am a girl for Christ sake. Why is my only nice pair damaged? And why do the others look like they are 10 years old? Oh, they are 10 years old you say? Right then…I need to think about shoes more. Big event tonight and the only shoes I have to go with my dress hurt my feet so much that last time I wore them, I CARRIED THEM.

I need to become obsessed with shoes. This can’t go on.

Shoes.

Rant over.