I Wish I Was One of Those Women Who Just Knows She Wants to Have Kids

babies, Dawn Porter, family, motherhood

I Wish I Was One of Those Women Who Just Knows She Wants to Have Kids

In Huffington Post Blogs on November 24, 2011 at 11:42 pm

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/dawn-porter/dawn-porter-children_b_1110780.html?ref=uk

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And why shouldn’t such a huge decision be grey, rather than black and white? I thought for years I was in the black category. Adamant I was never having kids and so sure of my decision. And then I started to question myself and ultimately my (now but not then) husband. And we made a u turn. Based on what? A feeling something was missing? A natural progression in our lives? Turns out we had both been in the grey category all along.
An easy decision? Nope. The ‘right’ one? Most days – yes. I pine for the days I left the house just me, some money and a smile. I mourn the loss of my freedom. However I am blessed with two beautiful children who fill me with love. Nothing beats a hug off a 3 year old with an exclamation of I love you mummy.
Becoming a mum is the start of the biggest rollercoaster. But it’s while moaning I want my life back I seem to forget I’m living it. And it’s fab. Despite the sleep deprivation and thankless long hours.
And now the decision to stay at home or return to work…………….

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Maz 25 November 2011 at 4am
This article has made me quite sad. I love most you do / say Dawn but you’ve disturbed me a bit here, have you considered that questionin g and analysing all of this could tempt fate? A very good friend of mine used to always comment that she didn’t want children/ she enjoyed her single life / loved her freedom / loved being able to travel at the drop of a hat, then bang – she met her husband and changed her mind, before she knew it she was desperate for kids and nature had taken away that choice and she is on her second, heartbreak ing round of IVF. I have two children of my own and love them beyond measure, yes I’m tired and there are things I didn’t get to do / go before I had then, but the pleasure they give me far outways my desire to do Route 66 in a mustang. In my humble opinion I would say if you enjoy looking after people, are in a happy relationsh ip and have what sounds like a bit of broodiness (disguised as being scared) then at least start trying.

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Laura 25 November 2011 at 7am
Maybe too many women do it because they feel they should, rather than because they really want to?

I think that is exactly right.

It is a controversial subject, but I guess I just don’t hold the belief that this unconditional love that a child undoubtedly gives wipes out all of the other sacrifices and negatives.

I remain resolutely in the no camp, although like you I have a nephew whom I adore. If I regret my choice once past the age of child bearing, then that will be my regret, and I am certain that there are more awful regrets to live with.

Standing by a choice is sometimes harder than just giving in and doing what you think you should do. That said I sometimes think that reading what everybody else thinks makes it harder.

I was one of the tweeters who emailed you and I am as child free by choice, and I truly appreciated your reply

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Sharron (@Jeweledelephant) 25 November 2011 at 8am
Have ovaries, will fertilise. It’s bloody scary being a woman with all that expectation heaped apon us. I think your heart will lead you to the right decision.

I wasn’t ready for any of, much like you, other people’s babies made me feel a little sick. Them being sick even made me sick. But, 2 kids later, it really was (sentimental music underscores) the best thing I have ever done. And, I realised my fear of having children wasn’t the baby part but the being a mummy part. I write about it in my blog, in a cathartic-funny-kinda-way.

As an aside, I do enjoy your articles quite a lot x

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Fiona 25 November 2011 at 10am
Bless your heart. It’s a tough call & it sounds like you are struggling.

I married at 22. First of 3 great children arrived 2 years later. Had been a flight attendant …. & yes … I missed that freedom, but it was worth it & my husband & I were fortunate enough to occasionally travel. But it was a different time then.

Now all are grown & I am free to do whatever I like….. (rented a Manhattan apartment last year to experience that world).

On the other hand, my kids are living the flip side…. Good careers, travel, really cool lives …. (Hey, I think I’ll take trapeze lessons!) …….& now the first baby for the oldest at age 39.

My advice is to relax & not stress. You seem to be loving your life at the present. There is still time to seriously consider the decision. If you find yourself with a little bundle you’ll fall in love like you could never imagine. If the decision is to go childless there are nieces & nephews with whom you will share that love.

On a different note….. As a breast cancer survivor I want to pass along a big “thank you” for all you are doing to educate young girls.

Bunny

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Bunny Haston Dannelly 26 November 2011 at 5pm
Here’s my experience, I was just 20 when I fell pregnant with my daughter. I was single, nowhere close to ready, and absolutely horrified. I remember going for my scan and telling my mum that while I didn’t want an abortion I would be a lot happier if this ‘problem’ could just go away.

Fast forward 7 years and I honestly couldn’t be happier. She is the centre of my universe. I’m in a very happy loving relationship (thank goodness!) and we have another daughter (who I decided I wanted almost immediately after I gave birth to the first one) I didn’t really want children, I was fairly independent, happy in my own company and desperate to be successful. Now I’m happiest at home doing mummy things and looking after these beautiful girls.

Having a tiny baby is terribly difficult and tiring, but it’s a small part of being a parent. Before you know where you are your tiny baby is almost 7. I’d give anything to turn the clock back to when my girls were babies just for one day. I’d squeeze their pudgy cheeks and kiss them endlessly. I’m so glad my problem didn’t just go away.

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Melanie 30 November 2011 at 4pm
Totes feel the same way, perhaps we should ditch the baby idea and be cat ladies?

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Elly 30 November 2011 at 5pm
I have had the choice taken out of my hands and am unable to have them thru medical reasons. I have Crohns and many other issues which would mean having a child could potentially do serious damage. Fortunately for me I do not want children as I’d be unable to provide a good home. I have to come realise that the decision should be with the woman as they have to carry the child. All I will say is Dawn, all else fails there’s furry babies or adoption. You have to decide what is right for you and only you. Nobody should bully you into having a child or use that bloody saying ‘your body clock is ticking!’ Love your blog by the way chick and keep smiling, you are fab xxx

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Claire 30 November 2011 at 8pm
I get it. Other people’s children always seem so much nicer than the idea of having your own. I mean you can stop playing with them whenever you want, and you don’t have to change them, or feed them. I can’t even keep a goldfish alive let alone a person. The closest I’ve had to a baby was a hamster and it died after 3 weeks, and for 1 of them I just thought it was sleeping for a reeeeally long time. For me, babies are a bit of a no go zone, but then who am I to decide for you.

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mynameisjohanna 1 December 2011 at 4pm
Dawn, I could have written this article myself. I too, am waiting for that epiphany. I’m 25 and last year I became the first of my school friends to get married. I’ve been with my husband for nearly 7 years now, and the weight of expectation that children will follow is…intense.
One of the first questions that I’m asked by rarely seen friends is “pregnant yet?”. My Mom’s preferred strategy of emotional blackmail is reaching new lows as she reminds me that my beloved Grandfather may never meet his Grandchildren (and even if he does, chances are that he’ll die before they’re able to form meaningful memories of him!). Even my brother has started to suggest, at the tender age of 17, that it’s about time that he had a nephew to play football with!

But I’m putting just as much pressure on myself. My Mom and my maternal grandmother suffered complicated pregnancies and had both had hysterectomies by their mid thirties; I’m acutely aware that the longer I leave it, the higher the risks. And yet, I’ve just started my own business – an act that makes it almost impossible to commit to having children in the foreseeable future. That switch inside your ovaries that says “Hey! Babies now please!” just doesn’t seem to be turning on.

I have to wonder if that’s because fear has numbed all other instincts; the fear of pregnancy & birth; of changes to our lives & our relationship; of loss of personal identity & sacrifice of dreams that are incompatible with children; fear that I might regret the decision not to have children, or even worse, I could regret the decision to have them. Having children is such a big decision – one that too many people rush into without any thought of the impact it will have on their lives. But at a time when it’s so easy to find reasons *not* to have them, perhaps the effect of over-thinking the decision can be just as damaging?

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Naomi 2 December 2011 at 8pm
I am a travelaholic. I would happily be out exploring the world every day for the rest of my life. I admit i always knew i wanted children, but there was never a right time. One month I wanted a child the next i didn´t, particuarly if there was a great social event of travel plans on the horizon.
When i finally got pregnant, at 28, a relatively young age by todays standards, I went through every emotion on the scale. Terror, elation, you name it I felt it. But sitting on the sofa at the end of a busy day and feeling the little person inside me kicking and rolling around in there brought an indescribable sensation of peace and feelings of complete bliss. At the same time one very distinct memory I, my husband has and many of my friend have is of me at 81/2 months pregnant virtually pulling the hair out of my head and screaming “WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO WITH A KID??!!!” Slightly too late to pose that question perhaps!!!
Said kid came out and truly is a blessing. She is now an incredibly determined, strong willed, opinionated blessing who loves to try me, but also brings out the best in me.
What about the traveling you may ask? Well I found the best solution imaginable. I created my own little travelaholic!! At 4 she has been to more countries than many people i know ten times her age. She has traveled to Costa Rica, Thailand and many, many places in between. She regularly asks me when we are next off on a trip, and the thought of travel clearly thrills her and fills her with untold excitement. Many things around her she relates to travel. We regularly pass a ferry port not far from our house and she always points at the ferry and asks me when we are next going on the “Italy boat”. Purely on the basis of one trip when we sailed back from Germany to Norway after a trip to Italy.
Said travelaholic daughter has now found further company on her travels. She has a little sister. Little sister took he first flight at only 6 days old. She too, at 13 months old, has an impressive checklist of countries visited.
My point is, you can truly make your life into what you want, with or without children. They are impressionable and flexible and generally derive vast amounts of joy from the things that you yourself take pleasure in. You being happy makes them happy.
Motherhood the first time is a terrifying prospect and i defy anyone to say otherwise. However, I can genuinely say that if you decide to embark on that journey then it doesn´t matter which route you take to get there because the destination will provide you with the greatest imaginable rewards.

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Kim Christie Ostberg 3 December 2011 at 12pm